Life Goals Examples | The Men's Work Directory

The difference between performative and meaningful goals

A performative goal is organized around how it looks. The income target, the status marker, the achievement that will generate approval. These are not inherently bad goals — money is real, status is real, achievement is real. The problem is when they are organized around the imagined reaction of others rather than the actual needs of the self.

James Hollis makes the distinction between what the ego wants and what the Self requires. Ego wants are frequently performative: they are the goals the man would choose if someone were watching. What the Self requires is often quieter, less impressive, and harder to explain to others — but it is what the man will feel the absence of, regardless of how successfully the performative goals are achieved.

The research on goal satisfaction supports this distinction. Studies on autonomy and intrinsic motivation consistently show that goals chosen for external reasons — to impress, to conform, to satisfy others' expectations — produce less sustained wellbeing than goals chosen for internal reasons, even when the external goals are achieved. The achievement of a goal that was never actually yours does not produce the feeling you were pursuing.

What meaningful goals are grounded in

Values are the foundation. A man who knows what he actually values — not what he has been told to value, not what his industry values, not what his family of origin valued, but what he has examined and chosen — has the material for goals that will sustain motivation and produce genuine satisfaction when achieved.

Relationships that matter. For most men who have done genuine values work, relationships — with partners, children, friends, community — are high on the list of what genuinely matters. Yet most men's goals systems give relationships minimal explicit attention, organizing almost everything around individual achievement. The gap between stated values and actual goal structure is one of the most common sources of the dissatisfaction that arrives despite outward success.

The second half of life changes the goal structure. Richard Rohr and James Hollis both describe the second half of life as requiring different goals from the first: less acquisition, more depth; less proving, more contributing; less adding to the self, more genuine service to something beyond it. Men at midlife who continue running first-half goals past their useful life — who keep acquiring, achieving, competing — often find that the goals produce diminishing returns of meaning even as they continue to produce outcome.

Examples of goals that actually hold up

The men's work tradition does not prescribe specific goals — it is emphatic that goals must be particular to the individual man. What it does point toward is the quality of goals that sustain meaning.

Goals organized around genuine contribution — not generic 'giving back,' but the specific form of contribution that arises from this man's specific nature. The father who decides his primary goal is to break a cycle of emotional unavailability that has run for three generations is setting a goal that is both particular and meaningful in a way that 'be a better person' is not.

Goals with a relationship to time and mortality. Men who have grappled honestly with the fact of their own death — who have asked what they would regret not doing or not being — often report that this produces a clarifying effect on goal setting that no other practice replicates. The goal that survives the deathbed test tends to be the goal worth having.

Goals that require genuine development. The goal that can be achieved with existing capacities is a performance goal. The goal that requires the man to become something he isn't yet — more patient, more honest, more open, more skilled in a capacity he currently lacks — is a developmental goal. Developmental goals tend to produce more sustained engagement and more genuine growth than performance goals.

Common Questions

How do I figure out what my life goals actually are?

Start with values clarification — there are several structured exercises for this, including the myvalues tool linked below. Then examine the gap between your stated values and your actual time allocation. Most men discover the gap is significant and informative. The goals that close the gap between what you say matters and how you actually live tend to be the most meaningful.

Are financial goals legitimate life goals?

Yes, as long as they are grounded in something beyond the number. 'Make $X' is rarely a life goal in any meaningful sense. 'Build financial security sufficient to take work risks that align with my values' is a life goal with financial expression. The distinction is whether the financial goal is instrumental — in service of something — or terminal — the goal in itself.